Drive

Drive, defined in my own words is, "The ability to keep doing something that you know is right, even if you don't see immediate or drastic payoff."

Some weeks you win big in the weight loss department, other weeks just ok, and some, nothing. This week for me was just OK as far as the scale reported. A loss of 2 pounds. I am totally ok with that. I worked hard, and I kept to new lifestyle with no slip-ups. I feel great and am starting to become more comfortable in my own skin. 

I am winning. This time winning the physical battle, and I am also winning the mental one. The latter I know is harder than the first. I know someone who say (Yes Tasha, I am quoting you here), "Weight loss is not a physical challenge – it’s a mental one." Shes 100% correct. Can't argue with that logic.

One of these weeks I know I will step on the scales and it's going to show a loss of 0. It's coming, maybe really soon, I have no idea when that plateau is coming, but it is, and I will have to break through it. I am trying to prepare myself for it ahead of time, and keep telling myself that it won't be my fault. I'll still be doing everything right, but my body will resist, and all that really means, is I will have to change with it. 

For now, I'll ride this wave till it flat-lines.

CHD - Nfldman

Trust In The Process

So, this has turned out to be an awesome week, one that I didn't think was going to be quite so awesome. You see, I have a set of scales at home, these are new scales, like about a year old. They are supposed to be accurate, and, they are supposed to measure body composition. They were expensive. Well, apparently not expensive enough. They told me I was only down 1 pound for the week. I know I know, one pound is good. I know this, but my brain does not. 1 pound for me at this point registers as a failure. It shouldn't, because while my goal is to lose weight, my ultimate goal is to be healthy.

That means most of the time making healthy choices, not because I have to, but because I want to. I want my body to thank me every day for treating it right, and caring for it the way it was intended to be cared for.

So I went to see my nutritionist today (not because I need her to lose weight, but because I need to learn about nutrition) and she asks be to strip off and get on the scales....I do, and she looks at me and she says, wait, step off and let me reset them, and I do the process over. She looks at me again and smiles, and says, "Down 4.9". She then looks at her paper and says, "Last week it was 4.6, that's impressive". You are doing this the way its supposed to be done, and your body is responding very well. .

So I am down 43 as it stands, and that leaves 52 to go. Almost half way home, and it feels good to have accomplished this so far. My scales are in the garbage, I won't use them any more. I will weigh myself once a week, that's it.

10 week recap
-43 pounds
45 minutes a day treadmill, at 5.5KPH @ an incline of 4.
-2 pant sizes.

CHD - Nfldman

Letting go, or at least stepping back.

So, this is gonna seen vague, but it's more of a, get- it- off- your- chest type thing without having little meaning to anyone else.
Sometimes you hold on to something a little to tight, and a little too much. It's not till you make yourself step back and really look at something that you see it, and when you do its hard to ignore.

On to something totally unrelated. I am a helper, always was. I am here for the people that matter to me. Its not draining, it's not an inconvenience, it's not a burden it's not any of those things. It's just who I am. Maybe to much for my own good, maybe I need to care a little less, and focus on other things. Maybe I am too nice? Maybe I need to get mad and angry more. Maybe I need to be an asshole more. It seems like being nice makes no difference sometimes. These are just observations, I am not saying it's the right way to act or think.

I had a bad eating day yesterday for the first time since January 2. I guess it's justified, me being in the hospital with my little girl, and being up all night takes its toll, and at 8 that morning I needed food. I had a bran muffin that weighed what a small brick would, I am sure it was filled with oil, and white flour, but really needed food, so I ate it. I am not in no way tearing myself up for it. I was hungry and I ate something, and sometimes you just have no choice. Maybe the Cinnamon Roll would have been better?? Ha Ha. Missed my workout yesterday as well, but back on schedule today with my normal routine, and it feels really good.

That's it for now, world.

CHD - Nfldman

Now We're Talking!

So even after 5 days without posting, there is not a lot to say. No slip ups whatsoever. Eating all the right things, exercising every day and sweating my ass off literally, it seems. I have made a lot of changes all at once. No pop, just water. No fast food, no processed food. Just, real food. Other than the first week it's been a breeze so far. Some people call it willpower, for me it seems more of an epiphany. Do IT, or else! Or else what you may ask...in my mind...DIE! That's not on option for me, I am a young guy, sort of, and I have a lot more living to do.

So this week I am down 4 pounds and I feel that I deserve every damn pound, I don't mind in the least working this hard if I can see results like this. Last week I was down 2 and the week before down 44. Not to shabby I must say. If you put the time and energy in I would expect these kinds of results.

So my nutritionist did a ELG on me today. The results were actually livable in my mind compared to others I have seen. A typical healthy male carries about 16% body fat...I am carrying 29%. So I have to get rid of 13% of just body fat, or about 48 pounds. Here was the surprising thing. I am carrying 206 pounds of lean muscle mass. She even did the test again to make sure and did it in herself just to make sure the results were accurate. They were. She shook her head and told me how lucky I was to be carrying so much lean mass, and said, "Athletes would kill to carry that much lean mass." My dream as a kid was to be a cross country skier and rep my country at the Olympics, but when I got sick, it kind of put a damper on that idea. So, she finished by saying that with all this lean mass it would help me burn the fat faster. All in all pretty positive stuff. She also said at some point that I would inevitably lose some lean mass as well, and maybe 5-10 pounds in water weight. I just nodded, OK!

So, onward and downward I guess, not changing anything at this point. Why change something that workng very well up until now right?

Now, where the hell is spring?

CHD - Nfldman

Most days I'm up...today not so much

Ya'know, I am a pretty positive dude. I try, I really try. Some days though, it's tough. Some days, no matter how hard I try, I can't quite get there.  It's draining sometimes to act like nothing is wrong when I am with my child, but I always try and put my best foot forward. Looking at her though, I know the time is coming that I have to make the decision on whats best for me and my happiness. When that day comes, she is most likely going to hate me.

I expect that from an 8 year old, she is not old enough to understand. It's still going to be a tough pill to swallow when the time comes. What will she think of me? What stories will be told to her when I am not around? All I can do is tell her how much I love her, how much I want nothing but the best for her, and how I will be there whenever she needs me.

That being said, I deserve happiness too, don't I? Or do I have to ride the lightning for 9 more years? The thought of the second option makes me shudder to even think of it. If I did stay, will the relationship (or lack of) end up doing more harm than good?

Tomorrow is a new day...I'm ready for it.

CHD - Nfldman

Results

I thrive off of results, the greater the results, the more drive I have. This journey is no different. I worked hard this past week, ate all the right things, and exercised every day. I was a little surprised that the scales only showed a loss of 2 pounds this week. Don't get me wrong, its better than gaining. However I'm not jumping up and down with excitement. I guess

That being said, I have nothing to complain about losing 6 pounds in 2 weeks. This brings my total loss to 34 pounds in 8 weeks. I'll have to just wait and see how the next 8 weeks treats me....stay tuned.

CHD - Nfldman

All that I am..and am not.

First off, I had a stellar week, down 4 pounds. Really proud of the way I worked for this, I know I deserve this loss.

I need to talk about me for a few minutes, I need to write down my good points, I will not focus on bad things. I need to brag about myself. Here goes....

I'm an adult, but I am never growing up. Don't get me wrong, I am a man, yes. I grew up quick as a child, having a very serious illness that could have taken me at 14. It didn't, I took IT!

I talk about age 14 a lot and I get a little emotional when I do. It was THE pivitol point of my life. No year had a greater efect on me than 1991, the exception being 2005 when Michaela was brought into my life. However, 1991 was cruel, it was devestating, and it was unkind, but it gave me lots of time to think and grow prematurly as shape me as the adult I am today. At 14, I didn't know who I wanted to be, but I knew who I didn't want to be. This was my thought process at 14 from what I remember.

1. I didn't want to be an abuser of people, alcohol or drugs, I have seen what it did to members of my family, and how much it effects others. I am proud to say I am not either of those things.
2. I didn't want to be a bully, I have seen the suicides, I have seen how worthless people feel when others try to kill them with words. I am proud to say I never was a bully.
3. I didn't want to be a taker, someone who knowingly took advantage of others for my personal gain. I am proud to say I am not a taker.

I am not any one of those things above. I am proud of that. I think of myself as a gentle and kind person, who likes helping others, I do it because I want to do it, nothing more.

I never want to grow up, and I never want to grow old, mentally. I like to laugh, and I like to be around the ones I love. Ask anyone who knows me, they will tell you that I will fight, and viciously protect the people in my pack. They are more important to me than I am to myself, and I have always felt this way for as long as I can remember.

So, I have turned out pretty good I thnk overall. Ahhhhhh, but I didn't mention my faults, and I can tell you they are longer than this list, but I figure all the thiks that I am good, should cancel out most of my shortcomings. I hope.

CHD - Nfldman